A New Beginning

For the past few weeks, something about Alex's story has been bugging me. So many literary agents and editors say that they are looking for voices that are "fresh" and "unique," so I've been thinking about redoing the opening of the novel from a first person perspective. My hope is that I can infuse more "voice" into the story. Below I'll paste what I've come up with so far.

I don't know how many of you are checking this blog in the summer, but if you do, please let me know which version of the beginning you like better. The old one or this new one.

Here goes . . .

I’ll never forget the day I left Earth. ‘Cuz if I had known where I’d be going or how long I’d be gone, I would have begged—BEGGED—Grandpa to hide instead of run.

Don’t get me wrong. I was dying to get off that island. During the eleven years I lived there, Grandpa had let me off the island only three times. The first time was a week after Grandma left—that was back when I was eleven—and the two other times were when he needed help bartering with the natives at Tuvalu, an island hundreds of miles away.

Yeah, I was totally desperate to see the rest of the world. I dreamed about it. I wasted away afternoons imagining how different my life would be if I could just get away.
I got away all right. I got away all the way to the moon.

The day my life changed forever started out like any other. Keala, the totally crazy cat who wakes me up each morning, started licking my face before the sun was fully up. I call Keala totally crazy because she’s blind but she acts like she’s not. I’ve seen her smash her face straight into walls and then bounce off like it’s no big deal.

There’s no point ignoring Keala—she’ll just keep licking your face no matter how many times you wave her away—so I got up and headed to the kitchen. By the time I’d put the flour, eggs, milk, butter, and salt into the MealMaker 2200, Grandpa was already shuffling into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Alex.”

I turned to face my grandfather. “Today’s the day, Grandpa.”

“You say that every morning.”

“I know, but today is different. As soon as I swung my legs out of bed, I thought Today my life is going to change, and that can only mean one thing. Grandma’s coming home today.”

Grandpa hit a button on the Beverage Depot Deluxe, and a cup of steaming hot coffee dropped down. “It’s hard to believe it’s getting close to two years now.”

I’d seen Grandpa close to crying a handful of times in the past two years. It always gave me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. Adults aren’t supposed to cry in front of you, are they? I had to change the subject—fast!

“Well, something’s going to happen today.” I picked up Keala and rubbed my face against her soft fur. “Maybe today will be the first day Keala doesn’t get stuck in a tree.”

Grandpa snorted. “Yeah, right.”

The MealMaker 2200 buzzed, so I put Keala down and pulled out two plates of the most perfect-looking pancakes you’ve ever seen. Grandpa put the syrup on the table as I carried over the plates. Keala rubbed up against my legs, and I gave her a piece of my breakfast. She immediately ran off, chomping on the morsel and smacking her lips.

Grandpa ate in silence while I worked up the courage to get what I was thinking off my chest.

“You know, my birthday’s coming up.”

Grandpa let out a “Hhrrmm” while chewing a mouthful of pancakes.

“I was thinking maybe you could take me in the Rock Jumper to Tuvalu.”

“We don’t need to do any bartering right now.”

“Please, Grandpa. For my birthday. Let me visit the kids at Tuvalu. They’re the closest thing I have to friends.”

Grandpa put down his fork and looked at me with his Sad Eyes. I hate the Sad Eyes. Somehow they make me feel sad and guilty and angry all at the same time.

“Alex, I’m sorry, but you know every time we visit Tuvalu, we put ourselves at risk . . .”

“I know. I know. At risk of the Emperor finding me.” I wasn’t hungry anymore. I picked up my plate and dumped the remains of my pancakes into the Recycler. “Stupid curse,” I muttered. I had been cursed at birth with a unique ability. Something that no other human could do. Something that marked me as Wanted with a capital W by Emperor Devlesh himself.

“I’m going outside.” I picked up my bag and headed out.

There was only one place I wanted to be—my favorite tree. It was an old monkey pod that sat on the edge of a cliff that dropped straight down to the ocean. Like most monkey pod trees, it wasn’t super tall, but its branches spread out pretty wide. In fact, my favorite spot in the tree hung out so far, it felt like you’d fall down the cliff if you made one wrong move. Perhaps I liked the danger of it all. Or maybe I liked the fact that I could see for miles. If Grandma were to come back today, this would be the best spot for seeing her first. Nowhere else on the island offered such a view.

When I got to the tree, I wasn’t alone. Crazy Keala sat on a branch, meowing mournfully. Being a cat, and a blind one on top of that, she had no idea how to get down.

“Come on, Keala,” I called softly. “Time to get down.” I scurried up the tree, scooped up Keala, and set her gently in my bag. With the bag on my back, I made my way down slowly and released Keala. “Now stay down here, will ya? Stupid cat, you’d think you’d learn.”

I headed back up the tree and nestled myself into my favorite reading spot. From my bag, I pulled out one of Grandma’s old novels. It was a silly sci-fi story some woman had written back in the twenty-second century about what life would be like in the twenty-third century. Boy, was she wrong!

But I read it anyway. I read it to pass the time. I read it to keep my mind off of being stuck on the island. I read it because it reminded me of Grandma.

However, the story was so unbelievably awful that my mind kept drifting. I’d look out over the ocean, hoping that my earlier premonition would be right. Today really would be the day Grandma came home, almost two years after going in search of my mother. Mom disappeared when I was two. But even after all those years, my grandma still believed she was alive. A casualty of war, my grandpa would say about my mother. A missing-in-action warrior, my grandma would correct him.

And then it happened.

I saw a dark spot on the horizon. Not a cloud. Not a boat. But a ship. A low-flying rocketship. Could it be? Was Grandma finally coming home?

My heartbeat skyrocketed. I had been right. Today was the day. I stuffed the book back in my bag and edged up higher in the tree to get a better look. The black spot on the horizon was getting bigger.

And then it wasn’t just one black spot, but several. Was Grandma bringing others with her?
Suddenly, I knew. That wasn’t Grandma’s ship. Those were hoverships. Black hoverships. Black hoverships reserved for the Emperor’s henchlings. I had seen them one other time, on one of our bartering trips to Tuvalu. It had been a narrow escape that time. Would we be as lucky this time?

I nearly jumped out of the monkey pod tree. The sun was high above the horizon now, and I knew I’d find Grandpa tending to his garden.

“Grandpa!” I called as soon as I was within hearing distance. “Grandpa!”

The panic in my voice must have been obvious ‘cuz Grandpa came running right away.

“Alex? Alex, what is it? Did you get bit?”

I shook my head wildly. My words came out between panted gasps. “The Emperor . . . black hoverships . . . they’re coming.”

Grandpa didn’t waste any time. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward the garageportal.

“Get in the Rock Jumper. We’re leaving immediately.”

“Where are we going?”

Grandpa ignored my question. Instead he muttered, “I never thought I’d live to see the day.” He uncovered a box that was marked “911” and threw it in the Rock Jumper. “Put on your grandmother’s spacesuit and her helmet.”

“Grandma’s spacesuit? Grandpa, where are we going?”

“I don’t have time to argue, young lady. Get the suit on now and buckle up. We can’t waste a second.”

Grandma’s spacesuit hung on the wall of the garageport like a lifeless form. I had never even dared to try it on because I only feared it would make me want to leave the island even more. But now I was being instructed to put it on. I couldn’t believe it.

Grandpa nearly jumped into his own spacesuit. Then he helped me zip up Grandma’s and secure the helmet.

“Let’s go,” he called over the suit’s intercom system.

I threw my bag into one of the Rock Jumper’s storage compartments and buckled myself into the Rock Jumper as Grandpa hit the button to open the hatch above.

“Brace yourself, Alex.”

I had no time to think. The rocket shot up, and all I could see above me was blue sky.

***

O.K. What do you think? Does this voice pull you in more than the old one? I recently read one woman's talk on "Seven Things Writers Can Learn from Harry Potter." It made me think of two things:

First, can I make Alex more likable and easier to relate to if I start her story on Earth? (Like Rowling started Harry's story in the Muggle world)

Two, do we gain more sympathy for Alex if we see how nice she is to the blind cat (Like Harry's nice to the snake at the zoo) and see how lonely she is--her closest "friends" are kids she's only seen twice because she's isolated on an island (Harry has no real friends; he's locked up in a closet)?

Book Review: WHERE THE MOUNTAIN MEETS THE MOON by Grace Lin

If you like Chinese folktales, you will love this book. I'm not a huge fan of fables and folklore, but this one is so well told, that it will top my recommendation list this year.

Minli, a young girl who lives with her parents in the shadow of Fruitless Mountain, works hard in the rice fields each day. Her parents work even harder, but they barely have enough food to feed themselves. To distract them from their poverty, Minli's father spends much of their spare time in the evenings telling Minli stories about the Old Man of the Moon who holds everyone's destiny, the Jade Dragon that keeps the mountain from growing food, and the mean, greedy Magistrate Tiger.

One day, Minli meets a mysterious goldish salesman who swears his fish will bring people good luck. Hoping to save her parents from hard work and poverty, Minli spends one of her last two coins on a goldfish. What results is a magical journey that takes Minli up to the top of Neverending Mountain, where she hopes to meet the Old Man of the Moon, the only one with the power to change her fortune.

I really liked how the author Grace Lin wove various folk tales into her story, first through the character of Minli's father and then through other wonderful characters that Minli meets along the way. Not only are the individual stories entertaining, but they also directly tie into the way Minli solves her own dilemma. In other words, there's a big payoff at the end.

An entertaining and heartwarming book, I will definitely recommend it to my sixth graders next year, but I think anyone who enjoys a lively folktale will want to pick this one up.

Calling All Teen Writers!

I wanted to make sure I passed this on before I forgot.

Next month (July) a new website will be launched that will help teen writers connect with each other and professional writers. The website will be figmentfiction.com.

If you're a teen and you like to write, make sure you check it out next month!